Define the concern in your own words
People use ‘sexless’ to mean different things: no sexual contact, less than they want, or a loss of intimacy even when some sexual activity remains. The label is not a diagnosis or a numerical threshold. Before asking how to fix it, describe what actually happens and what each person feels is missing. One person may miss erotic closeness; another may miss affection that does not lead to sex. A couple may be happy without sex, while another couple may be distressed by the change. The important distinction is their experience, not an outsider's definition.
Relate notes that interest can ebb and flow and that a comparison with imagined ‘normal’ frequency can increase anxiety. Ask yourself whether the problem is the amount of sex, the absence of conversation, rejection that feels personal, or pressure that makes closeness difficult. The desire-discrepancy entry can help name a difference without declaring either partner wrong. If the relationship is otherwise supportive, that matters; if it is not, an increase in sex will not by itself repair it.
Ask what the quiet period means to each person
A conversation might start: ‘I have felt distant and would like to understand how this has been for you.’ Give the other person time to say whether they also want a change. Listen for reasons that may not be about attraction: stress, exhaustion, conflict, a new child, grief, pain, medication or a long history of feeling obliged. Relate encourages first-person language and an open exchange rather than accusation. Resist the temptation to ask the same question repeatedly until it produces a preferred answer; a reluctant yes is not a shared plan.
Ask what ‘intimacy’ means to each of you. Does affectionate touch feel safe, or has it become a signal that sex will be expected? Is privacy available? Would the conversation be easier in writing or with a counsellor? The consent and compliance entry explains why agreeing to avoid anger or guilt is different from freely wanting something. If someone fears refusal will bring retaliation, focus on support and safety rather than a couples' exercise.
Look at causes without assigning blame
The NHS describes low desire in connection with relationship difficulties, mental health, certain medicines, menopause and other physical or life circumstances. None can be assumed to explain a particular person's experience. Someone may have little interest in sex without wanting treatment; someone else may want help for a distressing change. Do not diagnose a partner, ask them to stop medicine, or treat a medical appointment as evidence that they promise to resume sex.
If pain, a new symptom or an unwanted change is involved, the affected person can seek clinical advice. The painful sex definition points to a concern that deserves attention rather than endurance. Some problems concern the relationship itself: resentment, lost trust, an unequal load or repeated pressure may make sexual contact unappealing. Separate those issues so that the partner with less desire does not become the sole person assigned to repair the whole relationship. Both can change how they listen and share everyday work.
Agree whether waiting is a choice
Waiting can be kind when someone is recovering from illness, bereavement or a major transition. It is less useful as an indefinite instruction to stay quiet. If both wish to wait, agree what you are waiting for and a sensible point to check in. A review is an invitation to talk, not a deadline for sex. You might decide to focus on sleep and time together, seek medical advice, or take sexual pressure off the table for a while. A partner can change their mind before the review.
If one person needs space, ask what forms of connection are still comfortable. Some want companionship but no touch; others welcome affection with a clear assurance that it can stop there. Sexual desire is only one part of the relationship, and a caring response must respect the boundary stated now. Waiting without discussing its impact can breed resentment. The long-term relationships guide offers ideas for discussing closeness without making every gesture a test.
Face an ongoing mismatch honestly
Sometimes the honest answer is that one partner does not want sex in this relationship, or does not know whether that will change, while the other sees sex as central. Neither position creates an obligation for the other person to change. Ask whether you can accept the arrangement as it is, what each person needs to remain, and what would make staying unfair to either. A counselling session can help clarify the decision, but it cannot compel desire. Do not threaten separation as a tactic to obtain sex; a decision to leave should be spoken of as your own choice.
A proposal to change relationship structure is a separate conversation, not a standard treatment for a sexual mismatch. It requires a free agreement and affects any new person involved. Relate's overview describes the need for open discussion and agreed boundaries. A partner may say no; an affair is not an agreed alternative. The opening-up guide describes the conversation if both are genuinely interested. Some couples instead choose to part with care, and that can be a respectful outcome.
Common questions about a relationship without sex
Is there a number that makes us sexless? No useful universal threshold determines whether your relationship works. Should I keep initiating? Ask how invitations land; repeated requests can feel like pressure when a boundary is clear. Can we be happy without sex? Some couples are, provided their arrangement suits them. Is masturbation a betrayal? That depends on your own agreements; private sexual life and shared commitments can be discussed without assuming a rule.
Must I stay if we cannot agree? No. Each person may decide whether the relationship meets their needs. Must my partner try therapy? No, though either of you can seek individual help. Does a medical explanation mean I should just wait? A health context deserves compassion, while your own feelings also deserve an honest conversation. Can we take a break from the topic? Yes, if the break has a mutually understood purpose and neither person's ability to raise it later is removed.
UK help for a persistent difference
Relate discusses how to talk about a sexual lull and offers relationship support. A professional on the COSRT register may offer psychosexual or relationship therapy; ask about the person's qualifications and approach. Individual work is an option if your partner does not want to attend. The UK help directory can help identify other routes. A professional should help you make a choice, not promise to restore a specified amount of sex.
For pain, a concerning change in desire, medicines or health symptoms, see a GP or appropriate NHS service and use the NHS low-desire information as a starting point. If pressure, threats or fear shape the conversation, seek independent support rather than relying on a joint plan. Safety and a person's freedom to decline take priority over preserving any particular relationship structure.